Small Country, Big Love

I've often imagined what my life would look like if I was born in another country.  Would I still have gone to college?  Would I have had children already?  What exactly would I be wearing right now? Few things, however, have made me ponder over being a woman in another culture as much as being here in Gambia, observing the intricacies of life as a wife in an extended family.  This term, "extended family" does not take on the same meaning as we know it.  It isn't a reference to aunts and uncles, grandmothers and cousins, but here, it's a label given to a family with more than one female head.

The Gambia, being predominantly Muslim, permits men to take up to four wives.  The logic for this, as explained by the holy text of the Quran, reasons that men should reproduce as often as possible in order to increase the number of people belonging to Islam.    This is simply easier and more plausible if more than one woman is there to procreate.  Additionally, a Muslim female must wait forty days following the birth of her child before she becomes available for sex, thus leaving open a dangerously wide window of temptation for the husband.  But, if a man takes a second wife, he can appease his desires without crossing the boundaries of marriage.

From a non-Muslim perspective, this may sound like the men are merely being let off on a technicality, however, it is important to note that these rules were set in place centuries ago, causing the original intentions to become clouded by our modern interpretations.  For instance, there was a time in history when many men were going off to war and dying in battle, leaving their daughters and wives with no one to care for them.  Giving men the right to take on more than one wife was an attempt to protect the needs of those widowed or orphaned.  So it is that things are not always what they seem.  For someone like myself, who was raised by a woman of the '70s and emerged from the birth canal singing "Anything You Can Do," I find it difficult to keep this perspective at times, but am constantly working to stifle my gut-reaction and focus on the fact that I am not here to judge, but to learn. So, curious to see if women here have the same struggle in holding back their opinions, I sat down with a few locals and chatted about their true feelings on what it's like to share their lives, households, and husbands with other women.

Although we were all a bit shy at first, in less than an hour, these ladies were rowdy and hilarious, allowing  me to open up and ask all the dirty details on love, jealousy, and most importantly--sex. Here's what I found out.

Q: Do the women get along? If they don't, can one tell their husband they no longer want a co-wife?

A:  In short, no on all counts.  While there are many instances of wives working together and showing no outward signs of jealousy or ill-will, more than likely, they want their husband to themselves and feel encroached on and threatened by the other woman.  I offered up that in my own family, I have two mothers, and they get along really well.

"J. Boi" and Ramatoulie 

I see them laughing together and Hawa even speaks to Jenaiba (my second mother) in her native language sometimes just to make her feel more at home.  I was, however, quickly knocked off my cloud of naivete, as each woman tried to suppress their laughs until one said, "Ha! Hawa and J'Boi? Haha! Noooo!" to which another finally added, "Fatoumata, a woman can look happy here, but she is feeling many things in here," while pointing to her face and chest, respectively.  I stood corrected.

As for a woman being permitted to weigh in on if and when another wife may be taken--that was a loud and clear "no" from the whole group.  They explained that although one may have suspicions or intuitions, a woman typically doesn't know her husband plans to take a new wife until a mere week or so prior to the wedding ceremony.  He just shows up one day, introduces the women, explains that they will now share their lives together, 'till death do them part, and that's that.  In my family's case, Hawa went and vouched for my host-father in front of Jenaiba's parents, ensuring them of his good intentions, however, I highly doubt this was done of her own volition, regardless of how true it may have been.

Q: How do the husbands and wives decide who is living where? I mean...are they all having sex in one room? 

My host father's new house going up

A: Absolutely not.  If a man is married to only one woman, it is common for them to share a house and at times, a bed.  But, once their children are a few years old and no longer able to feign sleep through the nocturnal habits of their parents, the husband usually builds a house next door.  (Keep in mind these are not elaborate condominiums, but simple, mud-brick structures.) Now, if there are two wives, naturally, things get a bit more complex.  Two women require two houses.  They each have their own territory in which to sleep, bathe, decorate and house their children.  The other areas for cooking and relaxing are usually shared spaces as they're most often found outside in the center of the compound.  This building of houses and shuffling around continues as each new wife is brought in to the family.

Q: That's all lovely.  But what about the sex?  How do they know when it's their turn to do it?

A:  As for "sleeping arrangements", the most commonly adopted routine is two days on, two days off. If, for example, my days are Monday and Tuesday, those days I will do all work related to the compound.  I'll sweep, fetch water, cook the meals, do the washing, and then finally, do my husband. It remains unclear if this is in reward for all the hard work, or is just considered another chore on the list.  (When I asked this, I was answered only with wild fits of laughter, leaving me to believe it probably depends on the husband.)  When more than two wives are involved, the two-day cycle is usually still followed, but some prefer switching to a less traditional one-day rotation, as waiting four or even six days (as would be the case when having four wives) to perform one's wifely duties presents a problem as, according to Islam, an idle woman may begin to seek the attentions of other men after only a few short days.  Herein lies the majority of the reason why the number of wives remains capped at four--because asking your wife to wait eight days for sex, now that would be asking too much.

Q: What about the children? Do they raise them together?  Are they treated the same? 

A: As you can imagine, this was a heavy question and the only one that did not illicit laughter.  As a non-Muslim with no children, I cannot begin to understand the complexities of these issues, but was able to gather some heart-felt responses.  Each woman works tirelessly to show every child love and attention; but, the force of biology is strong and it's rare that one's own children are not favored by their mother.  If multiple women are breast-feeding at one time, it isn't unheard of to feed the other's baby in a pinch, or to allow them to suckle simply as a means of pacifying their cries, so long as prior permission has been given.  But it is these early years that prove the easiest; the real trouble comes later when the kids are old enough to pick up on any animosities between the mothers and take sides against each other, creating a family dis-jointed by their loyalty to one woman or the other.  Some children may be hesitant to show affection to a second mother for fear of upsetting her own, or one may be cold to her birth mother in order to manipulate another.  Keeping a balance seems next to impossible, but this concept is not all that foreign to us, either, as divorce, remarriage, and step-everythings are more common today than the nuclear family--it's just that here, they're all residing under one, great roof.

One of my helpful ladies and her adorable son.

This concept presents such an unimaginable challenge, that I myself know I would not be up for. Marriage is hard enough as it is without adding more fuel to the fire.  That said, the principals of Islam, like any other religion or set of beliefs, is evolving and changing with the times, and as more and more people are exercising their right to find a partner in love, rather than a spouse chosen by their families, the rates of taking only one wife are rising.  Thoughts are that, if you're already happy with the first, then why bother with more? Perhaps this is also due in part to the voices of women being heard a little more clearly than in days past. One of the women I spoke with told me with a look of absolute severity, "I could never tell my husband I don't want him to marry another, but he knows."  

My conversation with these women ended smoothly.  I thanked them for their honesty and, wanting to contribute something , told them one of my favorite quotes which, embarrassingly enough, I took from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  It states, "A man may be the head, but the woman, she is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants." They all smiled and one voice rang out, "A halli gonga!" which translates roughly to, "Ain't that the truth!".